Beware the Ides of March

I can't believe that three months have already passed since the beginning of the New Year! Where has the time gone? What have I done? Where have I been?

These past three months saw the beginning of a New Year and marked the end of one that was just amazing (the highlights of which were traveling, getting engaged and tying the knot). I've experienced the usual ups-and-downs that accompany the February blahs but have also gone through a range of emotions regarding finding out my 'identity' and my place in life. There have also been the slew of interviews I've been on, the starting-and-stopping of jobs, the removal of a tooth, several snowstorms, another birthday (sigh), meeting new people and watching the snow melt (sort of). The highlights, thus far, have been celebrating the videos that my husband directed, watching my little person learn and grow through her lessons with an artist and meeting a kindred spirit through an unlikely place of work. Oh yes, and then there are the tickets to Japan that were just purchased... now, THAT, is definitely exciting!

In finding my place in this life, I've struggled with what I'm supposed to 'do' (career-wise). People say that what you do for a living shouldn't define who you are but on some level, I believe that it does. To me, what a person does for a living does represent some extension of that person. For some, it signifies what that person is interested in and in some cases, what they're passionate about. It may indicate that what they are doing or where they are working is considered worthy of the eight hours (or more) spent each day. It may also provide clues to what that individual sees as important outside of work (ie how they choose to live) by the amount of money they are being compensated. Or... it may signify nothing.

If a job gives you no sense of accomplishment or pride, or is simply a means to an end, then how can it provide some insight as to who you are or what you value (including one's self)?

I wish that what I did for eight hours a day represented the me that I see as creative, passionate, happy, alive, proud and not embarrassed, sad, and unfulfilled. Often times, I ask myself what exactly it is that I think I should be doing or what I see myself doing. I've researched so many different vocations and have even taken courses towards them but without much luck. It always seems that I'm on the cusp of finding which path I should take but then find myself on some other tangent. Practicality has often dictated what kind of jobs I've ended up with. Inevitably, due to financial reasons and the need to secure a position with benefits, I end up in the same sort of job lamenting about the same ennui. It's really quite a vicious cycle.

I keep hoping for some kind of epiphany to happen or that "a-ha!" moment that you hear so much about. I am even in the process of meeting with a Life/Career Coach to sort myself out, though, I am finding that much of what we've talked about are things that I have already processed through my own self-discovery. (Still, it can't hurt, can it?).

I guess I'm afraid of being one of those people who never realizes their dream or fails to use those talents that are bestowed upon them and finds themselves at age x having spent a large part of their working life being unfulfilled or wasting time. I hope this incubation period ends soon so that I can finally do what I'm 'supposed' to.

On a more positive note, I'm happy to report that the other aspects of my life are quite satisfying and fulfilling. I'm with a partner who supports & loves me, makes me laugh, cooks (particularly important for those of us who are resistant to it!), takes great care of my little person & I, is passionate about life, shares the same values & hopes for the future as I and who is also my best friend. Similarly, I get to spend my days with an amazing little (medium-sized?) person who is healthy, creative, intelligent, kind, a little precocious, incredibly humorous and continues to teach me about love, life and more importantly, myself. I am always grateful for what I have and the fact that I still have the desire to expect more out of myself and the initiative to do so.

Can you think of anything more permanently elating than to know that you are on the right road at last?
(Vernon Howard)